Jon Huntsman, Jr.: Linescratcher for President!

Special Note: Linescratchers is officially politically-neutral. However, this was too good for us to pass up. The opinions expressed by Arthur in this article are not necessarily the opinions of the rest of the Linescratchers Staff or contributors. They’re just the opinions of Arthur.

Well, it’s almost official: Jon Huntsman, Jr. is running for President.  Almost definitely.

Now, I’ve been burned before by candidates who started with promise and ended up massive disappointments (I know you’re all thinking of Woodrow Wilson), but I happen to like Jon Huntsman.  And while other blogs all over the Internet have been buzzing about him, what makes this blog any different?  Because Huntsman is a Linescratcher!

He might not know it, of course, but he is.  Jon Huntsman isn’t just a politician and former ambassador, he’s an honest-to-goodness genuine Linescratcher.  May I submit the following for evidence:

You can’t argue with evidence like this.  That’s Huntsman there in the top right of the picture.  As you may have read before right here on Linescratchers, Jon Huntsman dropped out of high school to play keyboards in a prog band called Wizard.  You read that right – Wizard.

I sent a personal email to Huntsman’s PAC about an exclusive offer to be interviewed by Linescratchers about his glory days, but so far they have declined to respond.  However, Huntsman’s awesomeness can be inferred from his personal history.  May I humbly submit to our readers…

The Top Five Reasons to Vote for Jon Huntsman, Jr.

First, Huntsman played in a prog band.  While bands all around him were writing songs just to get chicks, and spending all their free time chasing fake trophy girlfriends, Huntsman was perfecting the ability to play triplets in 4/4 while the rest of the band was playing dotted quarters in 7/4.  It should be obvious that this would be an asset in Washington, D.C. – while his unscrupulous colleagues are getting in sex scandals, Huntsman will be hard at work. Jon Huntsman’s not just in it for the girls.

(+1 Armor Class, +2 Resist Poison)

Secondly, not only did Huntsman play in a prog band called Wizard, he played keyboards in a prog band called Wizard. This shows that Huntsman is willing to be the keystone in a complex operation, but he’s not trying to be the center of attention. Let the singer and lead guitarist have the glory – Huntsman is more interested in turning a regular old G-chord into an inverted diminished fifth! Who could be more humble than a prog keyboardist? Never mind this. The point is, Jon Huntsman’s not just in it for the glory.

(+1 Intelligence, Avatar of Humility)

Third, Jon Huntsman dropped out of high school to be in a prog band. This wasn’t a passive commitment people. Huntsman was willing to put his life and career on hold just so he could counterpoint guitar leads with the pitch-bend wheel on a Minimoog. Huntsman isn’t going to take the presidency lightly. He’s going to jump in headfirst, with a Bach fugue solo interlude and sparklers burning on his keyboard stand. Jon Huntsman’s not in this half-heartedly.

(+2 Will, +1 Charisma)

Fourth, Jon Huntsman is a Mormon, but he recently said in a Time interview that he’s spiritual but not overly religious. He also has said that he is appreciative of many religious traditions. Jon Huntsman is a Mormon and a universalist.

(+1 Empathy, +2 Agility and Dexterity)

Lastly, Jon Huntsman hasn’t forgotten about his roots. While he was governor of Utah, did he shun his progressive rock past? Of course not. He even declared one day Dream Theater Day by Governor’s decree. What does this show us? Jon Huntsman doesn’t care about what the haters think.

(+1 Constitution)

Now I could go on about Huntsman’s peripheral positive qualities: his strong record on the environment, his moderate Conservatism, his experience as ambassador, his Mandarin language skills, but as far as I’m concerned, they all check out. In fact, Huntsman pretty well matches my views exactly. There’s only one real issue, however, and it’s one Huntsman hasn’t addressed yet.

What are his views on Portnoygate?

Huntsman has been silent on one of the most controversial hot-button topics of recent progressive world: the sacking of Mike Portnoy from Dream Theater. Does he think Portnoy was right to leave? Does he think the boys in Dream Theater were wrong to shut him out? What does he think of Mangini? I think, if Jon Huntsman Jr. wants to be taken seriously as a candidate, he will have to clarify his position on this issue. Frankly, while I like Huntsman, I am afraid to pull the lever for someone who might have actually preferred Derek Roddy to Mangini. Who knows where Huntsman stands on this?

Personally, I think Mangini was a perfect fit. While Marco Minnemann might have had the complex mind, Virgil Donati might have had the dexterity, and Aquiles Priester might have had the brutal power, it’s quite obvious to anyone that Mangini was the perfect personality for this job. And everyone knows that it’s personality that matters in Dream Theater.

Despite his silence on Mangini, I still like Huntsman. Keep checking back at Linescratchers to follow the (prog)ress of Jon Huntsman, Jr., a Linescratcher who might make it to the White House.

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Jon Huntsman, Jr.: Linescratcher for President!

5 thoughts on “Jon Huntsman, Jr.: Linescratcher for President!

  1. Dallin says:

    I’m pretty sure that the reason Huntsman’s PAC hasn’t got back to you is to avoid the Portnoy situation as long as possible. He’ll have to address it at some point, but he’s hoping to delay speaking about it until after the primaries.

    Like

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